Top 5 places that suck more than Orlando

Well I get emails constantly from simpletons who think their city sucks MORE than Orlando.. most of the time it isn't true. In a few cases it IS... here they are

1. Detroit
2. Miami
3. Las Vegas
4. The 7th circle of hell (where the pedophoiles and rapist live)
5. New Orleans

Top 5 things fox shows you to distract you from their lack of news

Fox35 has a lot of tricks up their sleeve when it comes to hiding their lack of journalistic skills... they include:

1. Weather Babies
2. Pet of the week
3. Cool School of the week
4. Christeen Van Blockland
5. That footage of the guy driving through his garage when the undercover guys were there to arrest him.. They showed this footage during every commercial for the next two weeks after it happened. Then they did other news stories about that news story???? Give me a break!!

Splenda is POISON....

Guess what true believers... I have spent the last week on my death bed because the assholes at Splenda (and the assholes at the FDA) are selling poison. Too strong a statement you say? I don't think so.. there isn't ONE damn warning on a bag of Splenda but do you know what it is? It's sugar that has been chlorinated. Yup, chlorinated.. you know, the stuff you dump in your pool to kill EVERYTHING that might try and live there. But Webmaster why would anyone chlorinate sugar? They would chlorinate it so your body WON'T digest it.. that's how they can put those happy "0"s on the nutritional information panel by calories and carbs. Splenda has calories AND carbs because it IS sugar but they don't have to list them because your body can't digest them. How do they get away with this, don't ask me.. I'm just as amazed as you. Don't believe me? Read this

http://www.rense.com/general65/splend.htm

If that is too complicated for you just google "splenda poison" or "splenda side effects" and look at one of the thousands of pages it pulls up.. here is a good blog that lists all the horror stories people have sent them..

http://www.splendasickness.blogspot.com/

Last but not least did you know that the makers of splenda have tried to buy EVERY anti-splenda domain name? Johnson and Johnson owns splendakills.com, splendapoison.com and over two hundred other domains.. now tell me that isn't a conspiracy!!!!

Anyway, I won't buy ANYTHING with Splenda anymore and hopefully this HORRIBLE pain I have been experiencing for the last week will go away in the next few days...

Webmaster OUT!!

The Mouse Kicked Me Right In The Junk..

Well I never thought I would say this but I am boycotting Disney! The price for a one day ticket just went up to $71 AND they took away the Florida discount for a one day ticket... AND they increased the price to make a multi-day ticket last forever (if you don't pay this fee it will have an expiration date). HOW GREEDY CAN THEY GET? Come on, it costs $10 to park (why? you have paid for that parking lot 10000 times over.. I would post my 6 different tricks to get free parking but I will abstain because of my high moral character) and $3 for a coke... So for me, JUST ME to spend one day of fun in ONE Disney park I'm looking at just shy of $100?? I said ONE Disney park because a park hopper would cost significantly more. Guess what Disney, those UK tourists are getting robbed by the bushel on I-drive.. how long do you think it will take before word spreads over there how bad a hell hole Orlando has become? Other destinations (that aren't in the top ten for drive by shootings) will start to look real good to those brits... and then the local people you have snubbed your nose at won't look so bad will we? Seaworld will give me a year pass for $59.. so what if it's boring as #@!$ at least they treat me right! Also, I have noticed in the last couple of years that the employees (you can't make me say cast members, I don't work there!) have started getting a crappy attitude.. I'm sure it started at the top and worked its way down to them. I do know one thing.. the ticket price has risen to where it is because people continue to pay it. I have a feeling supply is about to pass demand.

Webmaster Out!

I'm Back!

I'm back true believers, the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated! Before I forget did anyone see an article about my site in the Orlando Business Journal? Someone emailed me and said it was on page 19 but I have NO idea where you would even get a copy?? Hmmm, what's new.. oh I got an offer to be in a pirate rap video. I know that sounds NUTS but if you look at my Myspace friends you will find "Captain Dan" in the top 16.. I also list him a couple of times on the site. I am trying to help him rent the "Pirates Dinner Adventure" to shoot a video.. if we are successful he said I can be in it, ahahahaha.

BIG NEWS, I am now on the first page of results when you Google "Orlando Florida"!!! Because of that I have been enlisted by a couple of people to help them get their site to rank higher using the Google secrets I have learned. Who knew this website would spark so many side projects! I pledge to keep the site updated though for my paying advertisers... maybe not this blog, but the site :-)

Orlando Weekly OR Orlando Weakly

Well Orlando Weekly's "Best Of Orlando" ended a few days ago. For anyone who isn't familiar with this Orlando Weekly is a local free newspaper.. I consider it quasi underground. They say and do what ever they want and don't print fluf crap like the real newspaper. Anywho, one of their writers blogged about my site when it first came out and drove A LOT of traffic my way. Then another writer sent me a friend request on Myspace and said he liked my stories. So i'm like wow, they like me.. and I like them because we are alike in so many ways. So I KNOW a lot of my fans and friends voted for me in the "best of" section that allowed votes.. but I didn't expect to win those. What I DID expect was a mention in one of the zillons of catagories that the writers make up and pick their own winner.. like "best airborne cult" which was won by a company in Groveland Florida.. isn't it "best of Orlando"?? Or "Best affordable kids activity" which was won by the city of Oviedo??? Not to mention all the myspace pages that won things and are set to private?? How can you list all that other crap and NOT list the Official Orlando Anti-tourism site????

Nothing can last in Orlando!!!!

Arrrrrrr! I'm mad! Even though I have a WHOLE site dedicated to Orlando sucking I find my good ole blog the easiest place to throw my thoughts. I don't know where to start.. let me start with what just happened. I just did a heap of manual labor which in my mind always calls for a reward of some type of junk food. So I stop at BP and walk up to the "Hotties" case.. only to realize it is completely empty?! I ask the clerk what is going on and she tells me they went out of business. WHAT?!? They had like 3 stand alone stores and donuts cases in almost every quickie mart in Orlando.. they are the best donuts EVER! I mean, those with the peanut butter in the middle.. they would make the pope curse! Now they are gone just like that.. I went to their website (hotties.com) and it confirms it.

Now flash back to over a month ago.. I got an email from a loyal viewer who told me he saw my tribute to Jungle Jims on the "what doesn't suck" page and he just wanted to let me know they weren't there anymore.. WHAT?!? I called their number and he was right. Every time I went there they were packed!?? They were right in the heart of the tourist area?!!?

WTF! Orlando is a barren field that has been cursed so no crops will grow.. Ok, that is an analogy for no business can STAY in business.. no mater how lucrative it is!!

So to summarize, if you have a kick ass business idea.. MOVE to somewhere will let you live your dream because Orlando will suck you dry, even if you are right next door to Disney and have awesome food and good service.. even if you have the best donuts EVER and deliver to all the major stores.. it DOESN'T matter here..

The Webmaster (wipes away tear)

Lots of crap, READ IT!

Well I guess Orlando lifted the ban on fireworks this year... my home sounded like Omaha Beach on D-Day... when I walked out the door I yelled "covering fire" and ran to my car.. it was crazy. Then there were things exploding on both sides of the highway as I drove to work.

Something else I wanted to say...thanks to everyone who logs on my site daily.. I am now getting hundreds of hits every day and they are coming from ALL OVER the world!! If you type "orlando florida sucks" on MSN search EVERYTHING on the first page of results is related to my site! It's crazy that my little site that is basically just telling you how horrible Orlando is has become a phenom.. Webmaster OUT!

Two posts in one day!

I know I just posted but I wanted to tell everyone about this.. there is a NEW civilian taser that doesn't even look like a gun! Naturally every citizen of Orlando should get one.. I mean even if you all ready have a gun, get a taser too! That way you can shock the $@%! out of the criminal before you shoot him! Plus its very embarasing for the bad guy to have wet his pants before he goes to the great "rec yard" in the sky.. wait a minute, a criminal wouldn't go anywhere in the sky. Let me start over.. Its embarrasing for the bad guy to wet his pants before the crosses the lake of fire to be butt raped by Satan for all eternity.. hows that sound?

http://www.taser.com/products/consumers/Pages/C2.aspx

there's a link... POW zap em right in the nuts if you can...

We are #1 again!

Wow, this blogging is harder than I thought... almost a month since my last post? I'm slipping! Anywho.. guess who is #1 in road rage? Yup, we are!

http://www.wesh.com/news/13608913/detail.html?rss=orl&psp=news


Were #1, were #1, come on everyone chant with me... were #1, were #1!!

Shriner Clowns Scare Me!

I don't have any strange fear of clowns but these pictures scare the crap out of me!!

http://fla-shrine.org/fsca%2000comp.htm

I guess besides driving those tiny cars in parades Shriners also are obsessed with clowns.. they have competitions and everything.. be afraid be very afraid!!

Halloween Horror Nights 17!!!!

Well as anyone with more than two brain cells knows, 99% of the things in Orlando SUCK! One thing that does NOT suck however is Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. Well guess what, tickets are on sale and their website is officially updated for HHN 17!! No word yet on what the main "icon" will be this year but I'm sure we will know soon.

Billy Donovan visits site...

Well apparently Billy Donovan logged on to my site a few days ago.. shortly before announcing he wasn't coming to Orlando! Woo Hoo, score another one for the good guys!

ATF and FBI on their way!

Well a lot of people are joking about it but for gods sake we need the help!! If you don't know what I'm talking about the FBI and ATF are both setting up task forces in Orlando to try and get the crime under control.. I guess the national guard is busy. Oh well, any help is better than no help!!!

24

I know your going to think I'm crazy but until today I had never seen an episode of "24".. then yesterday I found the season 1 dvd set at Target for $16!?! I don't know if it was a mistake but I snatched it up. For the last 13 hours I have been watching "24".. it took me a full 2 liter of Mountain Dew but I managed to get all the way to the point where they were rescued in the chopper. Anywho, look for Jack Bauer references all over the site coming soon, har har har.

Hard Cold Facts!

Well for all the nay sayers here are two very nice people that my site helped! They were going to move to Copper Terrace (insert vomiting sound here) but they found my site (thank you again Google!) and they found a better place to live. My only wish would be that they had found it before they planned to move to Orlando at all, but I can't have everything..

Here is their blog.. oh and check out their zombie plushies, they are amazing.

www.vagrantaesthetic.com

Nail down your daughters!

Did you see the news story about I-4 being dark last week because people stole a lot of copper wire that was powering the street lights?? MY GOD, how much more rediculous can it get here? Not only do you need to lock your doors and windows but you need to incase your outside wiring in steel so it won't be stolen too!

Internet Family?

What do the Sims, World of Warcraft, and Myspace have in common? They all suck! Just kidding... what I was thinking is they all satisfy our new need for some sense of humanity. We have become a civilation of people who don't even know our on neighbor, but we have 2000 friends on myspace. What is so facinating about the Sims? People would rather create a fake family and watch them interact than spend time with their real family! World of Warcraft has broken up thousands of couples because one partner was spending all their free time online fighting other nerds instead of getting it on with their significant other, what kind of madness is that? Locked away from the real world, typing on a keyboard... with the advances in "bot" programs it is now hard to tell if you are talking to a real person or a highly sofisticated piece of A.I. To this end 001001100 101001010
#input error
#blog writer ver 1.0 shutting down
#101010 01010101 100101010
#call signature "The Webmaster" 101010 100101010

Honest Web Awards? They really don't exist.

I went on a search today for "Internet Award" sites.. you know like the grammys or emmys but for websites. I found out they are all a scam! The "Webbys" costs $300 to submit your site.. and "Webawards" cost $199 unless your a non-profit then you can joing for the discount rate of $95! Fooey! What a scam, thats right webby I called you a scam! Guess what, I would like to announce the "Orlandofloridasucks.com Awards"! It is only $50 to enter and I GUARANTEE you will win... I will make a million different catagories and everyones a winner. That is basically how those other sites work too. *Sigh* someday maybe I will be rich enough to buy my site a webby..

Answer to Query

Since the invention of fire man has sought the answer to one important question: Is it possible to put TOO MUCH cheese in macaroni and cheese? I have an answer for you gentle reader. YES, as it turns out 5 pounds in a single box of Craft crosses the line. The mac and cheese turns into a solid element, like earth, wind, or fire. It stares at you mockingly from the pan, as if to say "You can't eat me, I'm congealed!".. Curse you Craft for not putting a warning about maximum cheese capacity on the box!!

Top 5 Headlines I'm Sick of Seeing In Orlando!

1. Some woman or child is missing and they don't have a clue what happened to him/her. The sad fact is this happens A LOT and they are usually never found. How can this be in this day and age of technology???

2. A kid died in a daycare/church van. COME ON! The first time this happened it seemed like a tragic accident. Then again! AND A THIRD TIME STILL! Where are they finding these people?? Wouldn't you think if you drove a van of kids and saw a news story about this happening you would be EXTRA careful from then on... maybe you should check the van when your done to make sure any, oh I don't know, KIDS aren't lying around in it!!

3. The forrest is on fire some where. My god can we go ONE year with out smelling smoke for weeks and weeks??? This is rediculous! Where the hell is Smoky the Bear? Even he is scared to live in Orlando, and he's a bear for christ sake!

4. Some polotician was arrested for (fill in the blank).. who cares really, fire then and move on.

5. Any crap on the news that is to distract me for the other horror stories.. this includes "cool school of the week", "weather babies", "pets in funny hats" and whatever Christeen Van Blockland is doing!!!!!!!

Whew, do I feel better...

Random Thoughts

Good evening gentle viewer.. my thoughts today are about google and SEO (search engine optimization). What makes certain websites place higher than others? Not even God himself knows, and to prove that go to google and type any phrase you like. For example "midget transvestites" or "bald bukake hobos" and see how many churches come up in your search.. none! If God knew googles secrets surly church sites would be at the top of EVERY search, instead of porn. Apparently Satan is an SEO master because porn pops up no what you type! Experts have studied this for years and when they couldn't find an answer they went to "Ask Jeeves" (now just Ask.com) and typed in their question.. guess what they found. You guessed it, more porn!

Mindless Ramblings

You know what I love? Sherlock Holmes.. the books, the movies, the old time radio show. It's all great. I was just watching some of the old black and white ones with Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, they WERE Sherlock Holmes and Watson! They did the voice for most of the old time radio shows too. Sir Author Conan Doyle said he regreted ever writing the original stories because they became all people wanted to read from him. A literary "type cast" if you will. He killed him off and brought him back about 4 times. Anywho, not that anyone gives a crap about what I like.. I am bored.

The Virginia Tech Shooting

It boggles my mind that things like this happen in places that you would least expect. What I mean is that Orlando is FULL of crazy people and our incidents are normally small. Even the huge population of "career criminals" we have don't go off the deep end like this guy did. Why is that? I know what your thinking, "That guy was mentally ill, that's not the same as a criminal!" Well in my opinion most criminals ARE mentally ill in some way.. that's why they keep committing crimes and NORMAL people don't. Even if they seem completely normal there is something wrong with them because they don't see anything wrong with their lifestyle. Even if you sort them into two different categories we have plenty of both in Orlando.. crazy people AND career criminals and we are still lucky enough that we haven't had something like this happen.. that's all I'm trying to say.